The Temple of
Light and Darkness
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The Lineage of the Temple of Light and DarknessLet it be known that the Temple of Light and Darkness has a true and indisputable lineage of direct descent from the "Ach Du Lieber" Mother Lodge of which Fraulein Anna Schprengel (Soror S.T.D.) was an Initiate. First, let us begin with a brief biography of our Chief Adept. Our Grand Poobah came into this life having been given the name Jeremy Gelbacks. He began playing the drums at an early age, aided by the extraterrestrial intelligence known as "Lam." Lam showed him "the way" and soon he found himself among the cast of the "Partridge Family" playing Chris in said Hit Television series for the first season (1970-1971). He really did play the drums by the way, unlike Danny Bonaduce, to whom our Greatly Honoured Frater Superior was quick to point out that he (Bonaduce) had no talent for music. This infuriated Bonaduce –particularly when our Chief Adept picked up one of the studio prop basses Bonaduce posed with and showed him how to do it right. This proved to be a bad political move however, as Bonaduce was at that time a disciple of Sheik Andrew Samantha Cicily and was already filled with resentment when he had discovered that our Golden Dawn lineage went right to the source. (Our Greatly Honoured Frater Superior had laughed at his theories regarding the Mime G.'.D.'. in relation to his Lip Sync musicianship.) Our Grand Poobah's humiliation of Bonaduce on the television set of the show was the last straw for Danny, who crept into our Greatly Honoured Frater Superior's trailer one night and hermetically siphoned his body into an empty Dr. Pepper bottle. He then dropped the bottle into a mailbox, having addressed it to a hut in Ashkhabad, Turkmenistan. Bonaduce had insidiously calculated the route of the Trans-Caspian Mail Service to cross natural vortices in the Earth's magnetic field, to the end that our Grand Poobah's psycholeptic link with Lam was severed. He had lost his way. Do not despair. Our Greatly Honoured Frater Superior was rescued from the Dr. Pepper bottle by pure chance. As it happened, the recipient of the randomly addressed vessel turned out to be a "Theta Clear" adept of the Church of Siphonology. This Hermetic Adept skillfully sucked our Grand Poobah out of the bottle unharmed. To his dismay however, he was too late to return home to continue his television career. To his utter horror our Greatly Honoured Frater Superior discovered that he had been replaced in the Partridge Family cast by Brian Forster, who we later discovered to be a Homunculus created from the creamy white center of an Oreo cookie. (Did you ever notice the change in Chris’ hair? Our Grand Poobah was the one with brown hair, not the blonde one.) Godammit. For over a decade Our Greatly Honoured Frater Superior lived in obscurity until he discovered his gift of channeling the spirit of Anne B. Davies. This saintly spirit was not only the successor of the founder of the occult group "Bewilders of the Duodenum" but was more fondly known for her years in the role of Alice in the Sherwood Schwartz classic "The Brady Bunch." Our Grand Poobah joined the "Bewilders of the Duodenum" but resigned upon our discovery of the current hierarchy's distaste for our devotion to the C.D.S.G. or "Church of the Disciples of Stump Grinder." Upon the second coming of the great prophet Stump Grinder and his subsequent admonishment to 'Get a Life,' our Greatly Honoured Frater Superior opened the Temple of Light and Darkness which traces its lineage thus: The Order was established in 1887 by William Windham, Jerry Mathers and Gabe Kaplan, with initiations beginning in 1888. These three gentlemen established the Order after finding initiatory documents called the "Ciphon Manuscripts." These manuscripts contained the location of a public restroom on whose wall was the telephone number to a V.H. Soror S.T.D. in Germany. After an exchange of fluids established a line of communication between the three founders in Cour d'Dane Idaho and V.H. Soror S.T.D. in Germany, a "Charter" was granted for a Reform School that taught western occultism. There is much debate as to the actual existence of a V.H. Soror S.T.D. in Germany. Many insiders now postulate that Jerry Mathers and Gabe Kaplan were both secretly initiated by the True and Anal Order of the Rectum and Colon. (This refers to the Suppositorians who came directly from Germany and had their line of succession through "Der Bag und Enemahosen." They received numerous High Colonic Purges in various parts of the world by Ancient Orders that could be traced back farther than the time of the ancient Proctologists.) After the establishment of the Order, Jerry Mathers established a complete Second Order. The Second Order was governed by the Secret Chefs of the Culinary Second Order. The Chefs of the Second Order were guided by the direction of the Really Really Really Secret Chefs of the Third Order. These Chefs of the Third Order were both real and ludicrous human beings who had spiritually evolved to such an extent that they had the ability to keep both their kitchens and bathrooms simultaneously and perpetually clean. They were and are the Guardians of the Inner and Sacred Mysteries who disseminated it to the College of Inepti. Much of the Second Order work and the initiation itself was in fact not written by Mathers, but given to him by the Really Really Really Secret Chefs in a fortune cookie. Here is a list of Temples of our Lineage as they were duly chartered: No. 1. Ach Du Lieber (Mother Lodge): Nuremberg - Fraulein Schprengel (Soror S.T.D.), 1870 about ~ By-Laws ~ Admission Policy
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